Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Bald Heads or Beards: Which are the Greater Blight on Mankind?

Last night at the esteemed National Press Club, great statesmen and members of the Washington press corps debated one of the most important issues of our time: Which is the greater blight on mankind - bald heads or beards.  Before all was said and done, the Speaker of the House Champ Clark weighed in an provided a boost to both sides.  However, clearly from this *cough* unbiased blogger, the bearded gods of Washington won the argument.

The great former senator from Montana, Thomas Carter, gave a great speech in defense of beards and attack the baldness sickness:
A bald head is an affliction.  It is a trace of disease, it is a standing joke, it is a physical infirmity, and it has been for a long, long time.  No man ever voluntarily wore a bald head.
Former Speaker "Uncle Joe" Cannon, R-IL, told the assembled statesmen:
I have great respect for Brother Nicholas [Nicholas Longworth, R-OH], but when he attacks whiskers, his mustache gives him away.  It largely deals in expectation, but in time, I have no doubt, it will make a showing.
The incorrect viewpoint was presented by Congressman Longworth and Tennessee Senator "Bob" Taylor.  Both men have conspicuous balding hair atop their heads as well as mustaches, just beards waiting to show up as the former speaker would put it.  From Senator Taylor:
I was born baldheaded.  My father before me was extremely bald.  I have always admired baldheads because they are symbols of purity and innocence.
Representative Longworth was more forceful in his treason:
Centuries ago, the condition of whiskeritis was excusable.  The beard in those days was an object of dignity; it was evidence of good faith.  A man is given his choice of hair or brains at birth.
At the end of the debate, the current speaker, Champ Clark, rose to his feet and promised to refer the issue to the House Ways and Means Committee as it deliberates the tariff schedule on hair and wool.  This and other statements seemed to bring comfort to both sides, though clearly, the bearded men of Washington won the day.

Link: Whisker Wearers Show Baldheads Their Supremacy [The Washington Herald]

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